cars (not really)

this is a short piece of writing where i explore self-love, self-loathing, personal growth, and more (according to chatGPT. they said it was inspiration so you should read this one)

is the me from then, real?

is the me from now?

it doesn’t feel real, when i look back.

i’m viewing someone else’s memories through nightmarish haze. did these things really happen? where are MY memories? they’re missing.

nearly a whole lifetime of mine is missing. a childhood. a schooling experience. prom. a graduation. all memories i lack, even with the lived body experiences i’ve had.

in a strange turn of events, i seem to have “come to” in an unrecognizable body with a fairly long activity log and something like twenty-some years attached.

when i was wishing for my body and my life, i envisioned a new vehicle. instead i was given a second hand utility, already full of quirks and issues from the previous owner.

this is not what i wanted. this us not the princess party pavilion of a car that i had envisioned.

its a scarred car and i cant stop staring at the dents in the hood. the crack in the windshield. that weird sound the engine makes when we’re in specific driving conditions.

when did these things happen?

how could they have? didn’t they know this car was to be mine?

they’ve left permanent marks, adventures taken that have led memories embedded.

and yet, i don’t know the adventures. i’ll never experience them. the trips have already been taken, the dents and damage already bodied. my once-practical idea of the perfect princess passengeer, made impractical once i realized the implications of the current situation.

perhaps this is ungrateful.

after all, at least it drives.

it travels from a to b.

it serves it’s purpose,

can complete its function

often, at least.

there are the breakdowns that come.

fear felt from the previous adventures.

an engine shut down as things miscombobulate

But I am patient with it.

When things turn, we pull over.

We slow down, we drive slower.

we do not get angry at the utility

at times we feel frustration

but not at the private peoplemover

we know it desired us as its driver too.

it wanted us to put the miles on it, it wanted US riding along in adventures. It dreamed for us. It dreamed of us.

it yearned for me and yet i sit here disappointed.

“you are not what i wanted” i say to it. “you have been corrupted. Soiled. Used. You have been banged and bruised and damaged. You have been scarred. Marred. Barred from me.”

“Ah but my love, you are exactly what i wanted.” it says to me. “i have been corrupted. Soiled. Used. i have been banged and bruised and damaged. i have been scarred. Marred. Banned from you.

And yes, damage i have taken on adventures without you. and for these i mourn”

“For those I HATE YOU” I retort. “You come to me damaged, with many miles traveled. A previous owner. You are NOT what i wanted.” i repeat to it.

“I apologize again for my perceived inadequacies. My journey to you has been long, and i needed help reaching you. you were not an easy girl to reach, but i am finally here.” it says to me. “and i do apologize for the damage. the roads were harsh. but the prior owner and i were very careful when it came to you, my love. after all, the princess mustn’t be harmed. that was always his top priority.”

angrily i scream back “I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID FIRST OWNER AND I DON’T WANT YOU! YOU ARE BROKEN. you aren’t my pretty princess passengeer and I HATE YOU!”

a brief splash and a quick window wiper later, it responds again.

“I understand. and i hate myself for these things as well. i yearned for you, and cried for you. i desired you in my seats, but He said it was not safe, and your safety is of the utmost importance. Together, him and i did what was needed for me to come to your safety, princess. I do love and appreciate his efforts greatly, even though he did take his sweet, sweet time. And thankfully, after all these years, i am finally here to serve you!” it giggles with glee “i have been so excited to make this a reality, and i’m so excited for you to dress me up, princess. we may finally have all the adventures you desired!”

“fuck off to your old owner then, if you love’m so much. go have your adventures and just fuck off and leave me alone” i cry.

“I apologize again for my perceived inadequacies. But my love, you are exactly what i have wanted for all the years i have existed. I do not wish to leave. And besides, due to his generosity and devotion both to you and i, i am unable to return to my previous owner.” it states calmly.

“what?” i ask

“i apologize again for-“

“no, not that part. your owner?”

“He has died in order for me to make it to you, Princess.”

and i just bawled